Remember how last time I mentioned that the countdown to ‘Croatoan?’ Well, your clocks can stop now, because last night on “My Roanoke Nightmare” we got several ear-fulls of the word.
I’m getting ahead of myself, though. Let’s begin where we last left off, with Angela Bassett’s daughter being missing after she kidnapped her child from school. Apparently, no one decided that would be a good thing to mention to the police because Episode 3 begins with a manhunt for little Flora and no shackles on Bassett. But don’t worry, her ex-husband, played by Charles Malik Whitfield, has his suspicions about it. He later is burned in a Blair Witch style effigy for his common sense. AHS can’t afford to have that kind of logic.
The group finds a creepy abandoned farm in the woods covered in dead animal parts and flies but decides NOT to call over the police search party while they investigate. Nor do they take any kind of video or pictures with their phones. Smart choices, let me tell you.
Inside the barn are two weird, filthy children suckling on a pig, who actually get turned into Social Services (surprisingly logical decision making there, AHS). While with a therapist, trying to find out more about them, it is revealed at the hillbilly hick farmers from episode 1 have vacated the area. It would seem that THEY have some common sense about this teeth-raining, ghost-hosting, hallucinogenic-murder-house portion of North Carolina. Unfortunately, they left behind their pint-sized stragglers, who start to screech “CROATOAN” at the top of their lungs to the therapist.
This is where I took a drink and saluted to the tropes I knew were coming.
Enter the psychic medium! Leslie Jordan plays Cricket, a coconut hair wielding medium who can talk to ghosts and charges $25,000 per seance. He clicks his tongue strategically, calling the Kathy Bates ghost like a lap dog, and begins to tell us the “real” history of the legendary Roanoke colony.
Bust out your history textbooks and red pens, we have some corrections to make.
Did you know Roanoke was run by an evil Kathy Bates? Did you know she got banished to the woods for a bit, but then was saved by a forest witch (I believe Lady Gaga made her debut here, but with all the dark lighting, it was hard to confirm such a sighting)? Did you know that after selling her soul and absorbing the witch’s power, Kathy Bates went back to Roanoke and KILLED EVERYONE?! This is all very true, according to AHS lore, and we still have no idea what ‘Croatoan’ has to do with it.
The episode closes with another trek in the woods to find Flora, Cuba Gooding Jr. hallucinating and humping the presumed Gaga against a tree while hill-billies watch, and Sarah Paulson finally calling the cops on Angela Bassett for her sketchy behavior. All in all, it’s about what you’d expect from American Horror Story, but this is why I love watching the show. Camp horror is always a fun time.
We still have no sightings of Evan Peters, unless he is playing the illusive Priscilla, but episode 4 could change that next week. If you want to count hypnotized/drugged out/ghost possessed Gooding getting it on with Gaga as another AHS rape motif, then go ahead. My jury’s still out on that one, but it is certainly as unnecessary as ever.
Next week is officially October, so I’m hoping that we up the ante on the AHS horror-drama this month. Everything should be spookier, have more pig-monsters, and be shouting “CROATOAN” from the mountain tops a la The Sound of Music.