Warning: Spoilers ahead!
Enter the PIGMAN! Episode 4 wasted no time this week as it got started with a fast-paced chase through the house when a man with a pig head on chased Sarah Paulson until Dr. Exposition himself (Denis O’Hare) came back to scare him off with a magic word. We aren’t sure who this pig man is, but given that I’m still on Evan Peters Watch, maybe we have a case of the Peters Piggy?
Now, let’s backtrack to this magic word for a minute. Remember last time, how we saw Croatoan show up? Well, now it is the deus ex machina plot device. Did you know that Croatoan was a dark-powers-blood-magic chant? I know, I can’t believe we missed it either. But unlike Murder House, where ‘Croatoan’ was a big joke that had no effect on ghosts at all, this season it banishes them immediately.
So, I have one question here, American Horror Story… why don’t Cuba Gooding Jr. and Sarah Paulson just walk around shouting “Croatoan!” and carving the word into their house? All their problems could be solved if they did this. They’d buy themselves at least enough time to get the hell out of North Carolina.
I suppose that means we’d have to miss out on all this great history, though, because this episode gives us even more historical re-writes in the form of Gaga-Witch’s reappearance. She is officially the Most Powerful™ and everyone has a crush on her. Don’t believe me? Well, after Dr. Exposition dies in the woods via spontaneous arrows to the chest, Cricket the Medium comes back to announce that he met Lady Gaga and she told him how to defeat Kathy Bates and her band of ghosts.
In exchange for Cuba Gooding Jr.’s man mojo, that is.
“I’d murder for a Coke Zero,” Cricket says, but everyone else in the cast is thinking about how they’d murder for a slice of Gaga Goodness. It only takes until that evening for Gooding to find his way to Gaga’s candle lit love room and start getting it on. Even his character, narrating this whole thing to the My Roanoke Nightmare Squad, says that it was “the most intimate experience of my life.”
And then we find out that Kathy Bates murdered her whole colony just to impress Lady Gaga, so you KNOW that she was hoping to get some of that witch-loving too. In fact, I think that the only reason Sarah Paulson is mad about her Cuba-Hubby-Jr. having humped Gaga in the first place is because she wanted to be included. She seems to forgive him immediately for the infidelity but gets incredibly offended anytime Gaga is mentioned without the words ‘menage a trois’ attached to them.
Ultimately, the episode ends with Flora being returned, Cricket the Medium being slaughtered on the front porch, and the accursed blood moon beginning. Apparently, there are 6 nights of ghost-evading terror ahead for our intrepid band of ‘heroes.’ I’m not sure what’s in store, but I know that the Croatoan Counter is up to 9, and we’re STILL on Evan Peters Watch.
My Roanoke Nightmare continues next week, where I predict more Croatoan, more weird colonial accents, and more hair extensions for Lady Gaga. See you next time.